I’ve been sitting in my hotel room here in Dortmund, Germany for the past 5 or 6 days trying to figure out what I want to do or what direction I want to go with my life. I thought that I was having trouble being motivated but after I started writing this, I think the problem is more of direction with a mixture of motivation.
For the past 8 years I’ve really only played poker. My life, obsession and the way I identified myself was as a poker player. The direction you can go with poker was always pretty easy for me. Sit down, log in, put in hours, rinse & repeat. It was always easy to be motivated playing poker. I wanted to make a lot of money, get to the highest stakes played online, be known as one of the better players, get all the women in the world, travel the world, prove people wrong who used to say I couldn’t win at poker when I was mainly a player who played for volume. A couple years ago I feel like I was able to achieve all of those initial motivations. I’m not sure that the feeling I had at that point in time, compared to the time I’ve spend living back near my family this past year was really that much more fun/enjoyable for me. I became obsessed over making money at one point, all of my thoughts would revolve around my current bankroll or playing poker that day. I had to go back to add this in after I just finished writing because some people might be confused. I’ve decided to stop making poker 85% of my mental focus and instead focus on the content/creation/entrepreneurial side of existence.
I never write, everytime I think about writing something like this, or get an idea in my head, the outline in my head sounds so great. Okay, I will say this, this and this. Now when I get here I can’t remember much of that initial outline in my mind. Normally I would stop writing at this point and move onto something else because I’ve never really been that motivated to actually finish. Or my mind was always 5 seconds away from thinking about playing poker, so I would start writing, get confused, then start playing or studying poker simulations and feel in my comfort zone again. I’ve now moved down to the hotel lobby hoping a different setting might help me do this. Sitting in the hotel room wasn’t working for me. Normally I would think this setting, music playing, people moving around, cars driving by, wouldn’t be ideal for me to write in but I am finding that it doesn’t really matter. It is all some type of block (writers). I think I’ve gotten too comfortable these past few years telling myself I will do something and then not doing it. I used to be great at telling myself I would do something and then actually doing it.
This is going to be all over the place. I’m getting pretty anxious about continuing but I am going to make myself this time. I’m not sure if anyone else will ever read this or if I’ll ever read it again. I want to post this on my blog and hope that it jumpstarts me writing more but I think it is 52/48 that I do that right now. After you have had a lot of success at doing something, I think most people struggle to show there vulnerable side or talk about the problems/challenges that they are dealing with. I would imagine many of these people feel like they have no one they can really talk to about it. Who wants to hear the successful person “complain” about life or what they might be struggling with. Relatively speaking, what are those people really struggling with? That is what friends are for then, you can talk about your problems with them and that might help. I would imagine most people from all degrees of life don’t do this for a number of different reasons. Maybe they tried it once or twice and felt like the person didn’t really give a fuck or what they offered back was of no use to them, then decided to keep these things internal. Maybe they got a great answer but still have no idea how to proceed. Maybe they feel like they have some type of status amongst their friends and if they talked about these types of things, they would be looked at differently and have worked so hard to build up that status. I’m just brainstorming right now on why some people might struggle with this. I think a few of these apply to me. The last one seems like one of those things you tell someone and they say “oh go fuck yourself” and it isn’t something I personally think about but I know a few friends who this directly applies to. I felt the need to clarify that because who would want an unknown number of people to read this and think that they care about status amongst their friends to the degree that they don’t want to talk about their struggles or challenges. If I had a good group of friends I saw continuously this might apply to me. The reality is with traveling so much and living in so many different places is that unless you are an online expert at talking to people and keeping up it is pretty challenging to maintain that friendship. When you see the people in person again, it comes back most of the time, but some people you literally might never see again. Where is the motivation to keep talking to people you might never see again in your life? Sure you could see them again if you really wanted to, but do you really want to?
As I said this is going to be all over the place. This is how my thoughts currently function. I’m sure many people deal with this type of thing. Is this what ADD means?
Lets get back to motivation and direction. What currently motivates me? When I ask myself that question and really think about it, I come up with great answers. I really have to think about it though. When I ask myself in passing, what is motivating me to keep doing this or do that, I struggle to find the answer in the first 30 seconds, by that time I probably have given up thinking about what motivates me and gone back to playing poker or browsing the internet. Focus, focus focus. Reminder to myself that I am writing this for myself. What motivates me? I think one of the biggest things is the feedback I get from people that watch my podcasts and videos. When they tell me how much they love watching, how it has really motivated them to do better for themselves, when they write these long multiple paragraph messages pouring out there hearts and asking for my opinion on things. Can I be honest? Sometimes I read these messages and say wow to myself and won’t respond. I’m not sure why I don’t. I think it has to do with a combination of focus and with really not sure what to say. I’ve never thought of myself as someone that wants to help people or guide others but typing this right now maybe that is something that I do want to do and the ability to have a platform to make an impact like that is pretty motivating. I enjoy traveling to some degree but I’m not sure how much I really enjoy it after doing so much of it. Maybe without an obsession of playing poker everyday, I can better enjoy myself while traveling. This is another challenge for another time. I don’t think that motivates me right now. Money has to always be some type of motivation. I think it does and it doesn’t right now. I can always make a few thousand dollars if I really needed to and to live a life back home of family, basketball and my own world isn’t very expensive.I almost went off into the direction of family and desire but lets focus on motivation. Does having some level of relative fame really motivate me? I’m not really sure. It seems like it probably is more trouble than it is worth. Always having to worry about getting negative feedback directed torwards you when you put yourself out there isn’t very enjoyable. I still haven’t figured out what I really think about this. Maybe I am kidding myself and the idea of being well known is something I really do desire. I think it is almost something that comes along with the type of things I am doing or want to do right now. I’m not really sure about it. I’ve had some conversations with people and I tell them that part of things might be the thing I like the most and they always laugh at me. “No way that is true, you love that”. I might take this part out. I certainly don’t think I am famous on really any level. Well known in a very small niche in the grand scheme of things sure but well known/fame/whatever you want to call Is what it is. I can’t imagine the thoughts some actually famous athletes or performers have about this type of thing. I’m sure some of them dread it and really dislike it but are at a position in there lives success and financial wise that they feel like it would be insane to quit right now. Focus. What motivates me then? Something I always go to first is that I love creating entertaining, fun, sometimes motivating and inspiring content about something I truly love and feel passion for. I have a thousand other ideas for different content in my mind but will people get that same type of feeling from it? Honestly they probably will because it will be fucking awesome. But is that for sure? Doubt, anxiety, wondering.
I’m about ready to give up continuing this. I’m going to do it. What motivates me? The desire to live on my own schedule does, the feeling of accomplishment, the ability to know you can do something unique that might be great. I think I am cheating myself now by not expanding on those thoughts but I will get back to it. Won’t I? Sure I will. I will this time. I need to figure out my direction right now. That feels like another 5000 words at this point. I need to take a break from writing.
If I decide to never write anything again, thanks for reading this. If I do write something again, thanks for reading this.